What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown costume!

What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.

How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?

The dog plays with it more.

What's more fun than feeling up a dead baby?

Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples

How do you make a dead baby float?

Take your foot off of it's head.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones?

Because they're hand made.

What's brown and gurgles?

A baby in a casserole.

What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?

A baby with a punctured lung.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?

Fucked.

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?

Nail its other hand to the floor.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

Art.

What do you call a dead baby, a rat, 6 week old bread and a gherkin?

A B*g Mac.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

Bob

What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?

A baby playing in a plastic bag.

How do you make a man pregnant?

Stick a dead baby up his ass!

How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?

Stick a javelin through it's head.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends how hard you throw them.

What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?

A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of baby guts?

You can't gargle gravel.

What gets louder as it gets smaller?

A baby in a trash compactor.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying in a ditch?

Phil.

What's the difference between a Dead Baby and a tree?

One is legal to hit with an AX.

What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman?

A baby with a black eye!

How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?

With a blender!

How do you get them out again?

With tortilla chips!!!

How many dead babies does it take to change a tire?

Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it incase it explodes.

What's white and red and hangs from a telephone wire?

A baby shot through a snowblower.

What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw?

Deep Throat.

Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?

So you can see the expression on its face!

What's more fun than strapping a baby to a clothesline and then spinning it around at 200km/h?

Stopping it with a shovel.

Why did the baby fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead!

What does a baby and a Pinto have in common?

They're fun to ride until they die.

What's blue and bloated and floating in your beer?

A dead baby with fetal alcohol syndrome!

What is better than a dead baby?

The revoked child-support.

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a peanut butter cup?

The dead baby won't stick to the roof of your mouth.

What's red and goes round and round?

A baby in a garbage disposal.

What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?

A baby with a punctured lung.

What's more fun than stapling babies to a wall?

Ripping them off again.

Why didn't they crucify baby Jesus?

I don't know why they didn't either.

Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?

So you can tell which ones are still alive

How do you stop a baby from choking?

Take your dick out of its mouth.

What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?

I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a golden delicious apple?

You don't have to bleed the golden delicious apple before you take a bite out of it

What's present do you get for a dead baby?

A dead puppy.

How many dead babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?

It depends on how hard you squeeze them.

What's the difference between a baby and a grandmother?

Grandmothers don't die when you fuck them up the ass.

What's worse than a having sex with a dead baby?

Having sex with a dead baby filled with razor blades.

Why do you put a baby in the blender feet first ?

To see the expression on it face!

What's worse than a dead baby in a trashcan lid?

A trashcan lid in a dead baby.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying on a beach?

Sandy.

Why did the baby fall off the swing?

Because it had no arms or legs.

What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?

Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.

What's more fun than feeling up a dead baby?
Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples

wtf?

Why did Hitler comit suicide?????












(drum roll plz)









































because he saw the gas bill

That was so unfunny.

Who is the best jewish cook?

Hitler

:)

these are not jokes, but something to laugh at :-)
these may be a bit "R" rated

Romantic Rhyme....

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic
first line but least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and
so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you sure screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
two parts vodka, one part lime

What did the big boss man say to the over weight Hawaiian that works at McDonald's?

Shut the fuck up J_iceman! Just kidding playa, I simply couldn't resist... :)

Here is some funny stories….

Story number 1)

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression _expression by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African-American depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch


Story number 2)

Here's one for the "liberated" women:

Women's Lib International Conference

The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barry, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast Lamb." (The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, mine as well.(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Filipino lady from Manila, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told that lazy husband of mine, Pedro, that I was through getting his slippers, cooking his meals all the time, washing his underwear and that he was going to have to do them himself.(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued, After the first day, I see nothing. After the second day, again I see nothing, but after the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

Another funny story
George had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem. His friends noticed the dramatic change. "You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore." "I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week," George replied. "I haven't had a single problem since." "A thousand a week?" said his friend. "How the hell are you going to pay him?" "Fuck him. That's his problem."

funny blond joke
A young little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mom and says: "Mommy today at school we learned how to count.

Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! That's good,innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blonde?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blonde."

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mommy today at school we learned the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! That's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"Yes darling it's because you're blonde."

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mommy, today we went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D at her mum. "Is that because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25.

IMPOSSIBLE WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK

Thanks, but I don't want sex.
No, I don't want another drink.
No kebab for me thank you.
Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.
Good evening officer
I'm not interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing.


Another funny story…

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom, This way my cigarette doesn't get wet .
Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel.
The pharmacist fainted.




thanx titus for the help !!

Type in spoiler=clr in [] to start it, then /spoiler in [] at the end of it.

If you ever want to know how someone did something in a post, just press the Quote button and it will show the vB code for it.

Two blondes had accidentally locker their keys in their car, they were trying to break in with a coathanger, safety pin, other keys, etc. After trying for hours, it started to rain and one blonde says to the other "Hurry, its starting to rain and the top is down"

STUPID PIECE OF..........please tell me that never happened in real life O_o

OMG i loved those nigger jokes hahaha, im gonan print them out

1, 2, 3. They were funny as hell! Wait...hell isn't funny. Well, funny as South Park!

those dead baby jokes are freak;in sick talking about

giving head and grinding the babies up and eating them with chips??? thats some sick stuff. if i ever see someone ACTUALLY do that i will shoot them myself.....sick bastards!!!......sorry i had add that, funny stuff though:-)

i like these other jokes as well