| Jessifer |
2003-11-15 05:43 PM |
I have a lot of reasons to be suicidal, and I don't care if the whole world knows them. This is probably TMI to some people, but oh well.
I grew up in a poor family. My parents separated when I was young. My dad smoked pot frequently, and my mother worked two jobs. I didn't see either of them very often. My mother...heh...well she was a slut, to be blunt. Popular with the men. But she was also a wonderful person. I loved her. All of the kids in the neighborhood called her a second mother.
Her last relationship with a guy was a mistake. He was about 20 years younger than her, and had psycological problems (though she didn't know it at the time). In the end he murdered her. And then he came for me.
I was only 12 at the time, and rather gullible. He convinced me to get into a car with him, saying my mother had won some money in bingo. He drove around for a while and ended up raping me behind a church. He nearly choked me to death during it.
Yeah. I'm a rape survivor. I'm not ashamed of it at all anymore. I grew out of that within a few years. After it happened my grandparents forced me to see a shrink, in case I did become suicidal.
Other reason I have for being suicidal? Hm, I'm overweight. I have been since I was 11, regardless of not eatting much at all. I don't find myself to be all that attractive. I'm now 19, and I've never been in a relationship with anyone. Male or female. I've never even known anyone to even be interested in me. It's rather frustrating, because I want to have children young. At least by 25.
In short: My parents separated, my dad was a pot head, my mother was a slut, I was raped, my mother was murdered, I'm fat, I'm ugly, and I'm lonely.
And through all of this? Never once have I ever seriously considered ending my own life. Why should I? I cherish everything I've experienced in the past, be it good or bad. Everything taught me how to live life to it's fullest. It taught me to always keep my spirits high, no matter how low life itself may get. What's the point of ending your life today if you don't know for sure just how good it will be tomorrow? Life is full of trials, and every one is a lesson for us.
It's up to us whether we actually heed those lessons or not. Every day brings us pleasure, whether it be small or big. But sometimes we have to give a little extra effort to see it. And life has it's downs. But it feels so good to look back at them and say "I over came that. I didn't let it hold me back. I am where I am today because of that."
And yanno what? Today is a good day to be living.
...Every day is.
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