LOL, Just Some Funny Random Jokes!
 

Joke #1!

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."


Joke #2!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."


Joke #3

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.



Well, thats it for now, which one do you like best? I liked them all, but I put them in the order that I laughed hardest, so my decision has already been made. :)

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

I can't put them in order, they are all great.

I have a lot of VERY racist jokes, if you guys want to hear them.

HAHA i liked the thrid one.

Of course we would, just put a disclaimer or something on them. I've ripped out most of my racist jokes before in threads already, so I'll try to contribute with some of my own as well, and hopefully not repeated. :)

Hmm, I'm copy/pasting these from my big book o' jokes, so you probably heard a lot. Here is my black jokes. I'll move onto abused women next.

BEWARE! THESE JOKES ARE VERY RACIST AND CONTAIN TONS OF USAGE OF THE WORD NIGGER! IF YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY DONT READ THEM.

What's the difference between a nigger and a snow tire?

A snow tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.

What would you call the Flintstones if they were black?

Niggers.

Why don't sharks eat niggers?

They think it's whale shit.

What do you call a nigger in a tree with a briefcase?

Branch manager.

Why do niggers cry during sex?

The Mace.

How do you stop a nigger from drowning?

Take your foot off the back of his head.

How do you get a nigger out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

What did the Alabama sherriff call the nigger who had been shot 15 times?

Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

What do you get when you cross a retard with a gang banger?

Someone who spray paints on a chain link fence.

Why do niggers stink?

So blind people can hate them too.

What do you get when you cross a nigger and a spic?

Someone too lazy to steal.

Why don't niggers take aspirin?

They refuse to pick the cotton out.

What do nigger kids get for Christmas?

Your bike.

What's a niggers idea of foreplay?

"Don't scream or I'll cut you, bitch."

Why do spics drive low-riders?

So they can cruise and pick lettuce at the same time.

Why don't nigger kids play in the sandbox?

Cats keep covering them up.

What do you call an apartment full of niggers?

A COON-dominium.

Why are there no nigger astronauts?

Their lips explode at 50,000 feet.

How do you babysit a niglet?

Wet his lips and stick him to the wall.

How do you get him down?

Teach him to say "Motherfucker."

How else do you babysit a niglet?

Put Velcro on the ceiling and tell him to jump.

How do you get him down?

Invite the spics over, blindfold them and tell them it's a piñata party.

What is a nigger on a bike?

Thief.

What's long and black and smells like shit?

The welfare line.

What do you call 50 niggers at the bottom of the ocean?

Good start.

What is the worst 3 years of a niggers life?

first grade.

How was break dancing invented?

Niggers trying to steal hubcaps from moving cars.

Why do niggers keep chickens in their back yards?

To teach their kids how to walk.

How do you know Adam and Eve were not black?

You ever try to take a rib from a nigger?

What is a nigger?

Proof that skunks fuck monkeys.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead nigger in the road?

The dead dog has skid marks in front of it.

What did Abe Lincoln say after a 3 day drunk?

"I set WHO free?"

Why are chimps always frowning?

They know in a million years they are going to turn into niggers.

A nigger and a spic jump off the Empire State Building, who hits the ground first?

Who cares.

A nigger and a spic jump off the Empire State Building, who hits the ground first?

The spic, because the nigger had to stop on the way down and spray paint "motherfucker" on the wall.

What do you call an Ethiopian with a pickle on his head?

A quarter-pounder.

How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth?

All of them.

How do you start a foot race in Ethiopia?

Roll a doughnut down the street.

How many niggers does it take to pave a driveway?

One if you spread him real thin.

What's the difference between a nigger and a bag of shit?

The bag.

What's the most confusing day in Harlem?

Father's Day.

When does a Black man turn into a nigger?

As soon as he leaves the room.

What do you call a nigger with a Harvard education?

Nigger.

What do you call a nigger in a courtroom in a 3 piece suit?

The defendant.

There is a nigger and a spic in a car, who's driving?

The cop.

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?

He doesn't know he's black.

How long does it take a nigger bitch to take a shit?

9 months.

Why don't nigger women wear panties to picnics?

To keep the flies off the chicken.

Why does Alabama have niggers and California have earthquakes?

California got first pick.

Why are niggers like sperm?

Only one in a million actually work.

What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms?

Niger nigger nigger.

Why do police dogs lick their ass?

To get the taste of nigger out of their mouth.

What can a pizza do that a nigger can't?

Feed a family of four.

Why did the nigger carry a piece of shit in his wallet?

I.D.

What is red green yellow orange purple and pink?

A nigger dressed for church.

Why do niggers have flat noses?

That's where god put his feet when he was pulling off their tails.

Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots?

They're going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending.

What is the difference between a white owl and a black owl?

A white owl goes, "Who, who," a black owl goes, "Who dat? Who dat?"

Did you hear about the new Black Barbie?

It comes with 12 kids, AIDS and a welfare check.

What is black, white, and rolls off the end of the pier?

A nigger and a seagull fighting over a chicken wing.

What do you get when you cross a nigger with a gorilla?

A dumb gorilla.

What is the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go out at night without Robin.

Did you hear about the new Chap Stick for niggers?

It comes in a spray can.

What's the difference between niggers and pit-bulls?

It's still legal to own a pit-bull.

What do you say to a black man in uniform?

"I'll have a Big Mac with cheese and a coke."

Why do niggers walk the way they do?

Because they spent the first nine months of their lives dodging a coat hanger.

Edit:

I almost forgot my favorite

What do you call an ethiopian with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese

Another copy/pasting these from my big book o' jokes. This one is about women. Very funny ;)

BEWARE! THESE JOKES ARE WILL MOST LIKELY BE DISTURBING TO ALL WOMEN, AND THE MAJORITY OF THE REST OF YOU ON ZELARON! THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT TO THE OTHERS THAT IT DOESNT BOTHER, THEY WILL BE HILARIOUS!

What do 3 million abused women do wrong every year?

They dont fucking listen

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing you already told her twice.

How many women does it take to paint a wall?

It depends on how hard you throw them.

Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

What do you do when your dishwasher doesn't work?

Slap her.

Why did the woman cross the road?

The question really is "What the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?

How do you give a woman a really great orgasm?

Who cares?

What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?

Einstein's cock.

Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?

She was a woman

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper?

They're both looking for dead beaver.

What's green, covered in crumbs, and lies on the side of the road?

A dead Girl Scout

What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?

Getting her out of the wheelchair!

What's grosser than eating your grandmother's pussy?

Banging your head on the coffin lid after you're done.

Oh jeez, I love those jokes, ALL of them. :)

Titusfied
Administrator

Master Level

Posts: 4250
Registered: Oct 2002
Online Style: Synthesis

Holy my fucking shit, nice ! I mean you got a promotion. a big one.

Stop the fucking spam.

Spam is still allowed, but the more he does it, the less chances to actually post in the Chat Forum he gets...

spam = useless

useless = no one can do anything with it

my post = ganga realized ur an admin

my post = not useless

my post = not spam

U = Retard.

Spam is anything off topic towards a thread.

yeh i just realized that. :)

That's #2 buddy.

Let's get back to the jokes. Anyone else got any?

Those jokes were fucking great i really liked the womon jokes, What do you do when your dishwasher isnt working, You slap her.... or whatever it is... And, Why did the womon cross the road... The real question is why isnt she in the kitchen? rofl those are the best!!!

they were good uncapped =)