You get me slapped with a fine, you argue with the customers and I have to patch everything up, you get us thrown out of a funeral by violating the corpse, and then to top it off, you ruin my relationship. I mean, what's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank? - Dante Hicks

Dante Hicks: Theoretically, people see money on the counter, and no one around, they think they're being watched.
Veronica: Honesty through paranoia.

Customer: Cute cat. What's its name?
Randal Graves: Annoying customer.

Randal Graves: Salsa shark. We're gonna need a bigger boat. Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa, shark's in the salsa.

Randal Graves: She'll get over fu**in' a dead guy. Sh**, my Mom's been fu**in' a dead guy for thirty years--I call him Dad.

Gwen Turner: He tried to screw me somewhere very uncomfortable once.
T.S. Quint: What like the back of a Volkswagen?

Brodie Bruce: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.