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Posted 2004-05-05, 03:25 PM
in reply to Neko's post starting "Could use some work. Try using more..."
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Neko said:
Could use some work. Try using more elaborated means of description. Obviously through these writings you are trying to paint a certain picture, in this case of dreams you had. The more you elaborate on the detail, the more clearly people can envision it happening.
Example:
Original: I stared into his eyes with lots of love. He was lying on my couch, staring.
Detailed: I glanced over to his face, staring deeply into the firey sapphires that were his eyes, my heart beating with the searing feeling of love that grew within my chest. He was strewn out over the couch, his thin arms laying haphazardly across his chest, as his eyes connected to my own.
If you're trying to capture a moment of passion you have to back it up with passionate description. Also, it would help if you broke the paragraph into sentences. It is much, much easier to read it with seperations and indenting.
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hmmrmm...that's good. I know I need more work on this. But these are really practices on descriptive writings. Thanks for your input 
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