Oooooh! A derby!!

Now remember, if the keeper is coming out at any one like a demon, make sure he's going for the slide-tackle, knock the ball out of the way, lift your first foot so he misses is, let him catch your second foot, and come down heavily with the first foot.

That'll teach the bastard who's boss.

And if you see someone who likes to dive a lot, try and get him to dive quite obviously - that way he gets a yellow (or should do), and if he tries it on again, he should be a-walking.