Memory Lane

I just wrote one of my blogs that I always used to post here on Zelaron. I wasn't planning on putting any of it here, because I don't really have the best track record with putting this kind of thing on Zelaron, but then I realized something. I've been through a lot with some of you people. Zelaron has been one of my better outlets for a number of years now. Anyhow here's a trip down memory lane I just wrote in my Xanga. I'm not asking for any commentary or discussion. It's just here in case anyone is interested.

It's been a little while since I've been on here. I always update when I'm in MP, though, and I didn't want to disappoint. If you're a long time reader, you know the usual theme of the MP entries. I suppose it's all to be expected. I do have a certain number of memories here. Luckily, I'm not in a dreary mood, so this will just be a trip down memory lane. I don't expect any actual insight, so really it's just for me to clear my mind so I can sleep... or for you to peek inside my head. Don't be afraid. It's really quite nice. *mumbles* A bitch to keep heated, though... so damn spacious... I digress. We moved here when I was five. I don't remember much. There was one traumatic experience that I'd rather not delve into if I do actually want to sleep in this house tonight. (Thank you, fear of spiders.) I suppose the first bit of anything more memorable than simply scrapbook recognition is junior high. I'd walk with Steven to his house nearly every day. He'd play UO, and I'd watch. It sounds really boring. I still can't really understand why it was entertaining, but I'd do it today if I had the chance. The obvious transition to make from Steven is to Kristy. I'm sure it's better done with an actual transition than with a statement about doing it. Well, we're not professional writers here, so you can just make due, damnit! My friend's sister's boyfriend's brother met Kristy on random chat on ICQ. I'll repeat that for clarity. The brother (Alex) of the boyfriend (Coy) of the sister (Courtney) of my friend (Steven) met Kristy on ICQ. For those of you who postdate ICQ, random chat lets you talk to a random person. It's not grouped by location. It's not grouped by IP. It's not grouped by anything. It's random. Anyhow, Alex, being more than a few years younger than Kristy, and she being barely a freshman in high school, couldn't stand her. He thought she was annoying, and I can imagine that, to a person of his age, (*takes a look at himself and nods*) a person of her age would be. However, instead of just saying kthxbye, which was not the popular saying of the day, he happened to notice that her birthday, December 18th 1984, was exactly the same as that of his little brother's (Coy) girlfriend's (Courtney) brother (Steven). The obvious option was to pawn her off on him. "Hey, meet my little buddy, Steven." I don't know the actual words he used, but I'm sure it was a bit patronizing. Good ol' Alex. I wouldn't blame him at all. Steven talked to her, but it was just idle chatter, nothing to note. Then, one day when he was over at my house (I'm narrating. Remember?) playing... I think Yahoo checkers, he went to use the bathroom. Being the young Casanova I was, (hahhhaahahahahaahhaa *breathes* ahhaahahaa) slid over to his chair and snagged her ICQ number. Back in my chair, I added her to my buddy list and introduced myself as the guy sitting next to her friend. Boy do I wish I had the chat logs... That was probably... November of '99. We talked a good bit. I was really charming, not to toot my own horn. You see, I wasn't much with the ladies early on in school. I had a self image, confidence, bad lines, inexperience problem working against me. Online, though, I was whoever I said I was. We all were... still are I suppose. It just so turned out that I chose to be me. I never saw any reason to play somebody else when it was just so damn fun to be able to talk to people confidently as myself. Anyhow, we hit it off pretty well. Well it turned out that Kristy lived less than 30 miles, as the crow flies, from my house. Isn't it a small world? No? I don't think so either, but coincidences are damn cool. So in early February, I asked her to be my date to my high school's Valentine's dance. She said she'd have to ask her parents. The next day, they said yes, and so did she. Though we'd both seen pictures (picture? digital photography wasn't all that common or on-the-fly back in early 2000) of each other, we met in person on February 12th, 2000. It was a little barbeque place on the north end of Mount Pleasant. She had on... way too much black. I was a little scared off at first. I suppose I jumped to conclusions, but who doesn't, at least subconsiously? I met her parents, and we were off to the dance. We were dropped off and moseyed inside. I introduced her to some of the people I knew. My friends weren't there yet. "Hi. Hi. This is Kristy. This is blah blah blah." I'm just trying not to bore her. We dance a little. I'm a pretty good slow dancer for a 15 year old, but that's about all I'm good at. We mostly sit and talk. We've gotten to know each other decently over the past few months, so I'm not as intimidated as usual. A few hours into it, I decide to ask the question that I still haven't figured out how to ask without sounding like an inexperienced, 15 year old kid. I suppose the best I ever did was that night. "So..." I started hesitantly. "...I was wondering... if..." I was pausing and yammering at the same time. I knew what I was asking, and I could have said it, but it really didn't come out that way. It was a little bit hoping to be cute and a lot of being embarrassed at sounding like a kid. "...if you..." Are you trying to ask me to be your girlfriend? "Yes." *blush* Well, she said yes. No more than five minutes later, we went and got pictures taken. I got most of those pictures. She was supposed to get half, but I was just too excited. I thought to myself, "This girl... this beautiful girl... No." I corrected myself. "My beautiful girlfriend..." There never was an end to that sentence. I was just coming to terms with it. Anyhow, I've still got the very first one that was cut out. We're holding hands facing the camera. I put it in a little silver frame, and somehow, like magic, the glass in the picture frame fogged up around the border making an almost perfect heart around the two of us. It's really beautiful. Well, it was really beautiful. Now it's really beautiful wrapped up in a box with some stuff that remind me of her... of us. The dance ended, and we talked out in the parking lot. She gave me her phone number, and I said I'd call her the next day if it wasn't long distance. I'd had one of those before, and I ran up a $60 phone bill in two weeks of a 'relationship.' That wasn't going to work If it was long distance, we'd figure something out. Obviously, it wasn't long distance. Thirty miles isn't that damn far. But, at 15, you don't really know how distance and phone connection correlate. We talked so much for the longest time. After we stopped talking so much for the longest time, we'd sit on the phone together, listening to each other stare at the ceiling or watch tv together. We had our second date here. We saw "The Beach" which had a nude scene that absolutely horrified me. I had mentioned earlier that day how funny and awkward it would be to see a movie with a girlfriend that had a nude scene. Coincidence likes to hang around it seems. We had our... well, there's a lot of details that I won't go into because either it would bore you, or... well, to be honest, it's none of your damn business. Doors and walls are not windows for a reason. Certain things are private even to Xanga. Anyhow, we had our ups and our downs. Mostly it went smoothly up until college. We were supposed to get a house together and go to NTCC. I got a scholarship to UTA. I don't know why I didn't try to convince her to come to UTA with me. She ended up going to PJC. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. *shrug* That's life. The day I moved to Arlington was one of the saddest days of my life. I said goodbye to my mom, and me, and Matt (my roomie) down to Arlington. We went to the dorm and got the stuff for our room. We were so excited. We moved all of our stuff in and started setting up the room. It was a God-awful amount of work, but it was fun. Kristy (my girlfriend) and Ashley (Matt's) came down later when they got off from work. Finally, we had everything unpacked and set up. It was pretty cool. Then night swung around. Kristy and Ashley had to leave. They weren't living here, of course. My eyes weren't as dry as my testosterone would have liked them to be. Kristy said it wasn't the end. We'd be together for a long time. We were only two hours apart. We walked them back to the cars and said our sad goodbyes. Matt and I were walking back to the dorm, and I had to stop and go back to the car. I was in tears. I don't want you to go. It was stupid, of course. She had to leave, and I wasn't making it any easier on either of us. We talked for a little longer, just the two of us, and finally I let her go. Matt and I enjoyed our newfound freedom for a bit before going to bed. I couldn't sleep though. I called Kristy when she got back, and we talked for a while. I felt better hearing her voice, but she went to bed sooner than I would have liked. So I sat up with a heavy heart and a mind that wouldn't lay down and sleep. What did I do? I did the same thing I'm doing now. I got it out. Here's the thread: http://zelaron.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21590 I just reread it, and I had to stop to have a little cry. Oh, what memories can do to us. Well, it sorta went downhill from that. The long distance of our relationship did what long distances typically do to long distance relationships. We lasted through most of a year of it, and then, before I even realized what was happening, it was over. Again, a venting thread: http://zelaron.com/forum/showthread.php?t=29852 I spent a good amount of time being paralyzed and separated from the world. I started getting over it eventually, and I tried to move on. I ran into a girl that I was attracted to a while back. I got her email because she didn't have a cell. Long story short, I tried to go out with Candace. I got tips and inside info from (one of?) her best friend(s). I got her a really awesome and personal birthday present. I went to a party to see her. I was about to make my move, and for some reason, I wanted Kristy's blessing. I met Candace originally because she was a friend of Kristy's. Call me stupid. Call me a good guy. Whatever. I don't care. Anyhow, Kristy blew up. Shortly thereafter, with some counsel and advice from friends, she called me and said that she was sorry and wanted to get back together. Um... Ya I'm gonna have to get back to you on that. Well, in my infinite wisdom, I decided that, instead of pursuing the chance I thought I had with Candace, (Maybe I did; maybe I didn't. We'll never know.) I gave Kristy another shot. I figured that if I didn't, I'd regret it all my life, wondering what it could have been. It was amazing, getting back together. It was amazing for about a week. Two weeks passed, and we were more than happy. After a month we were happy. After that, we were content. It was degrading, and we could both see it. Eventually, it ended. That's a very, very simplistic way to put it, but I'm afraid that if I go into any more detail or speculation I'll get sad or angry, and I'm trying to go to bed. Remember? Anyhow, it ended. I'm not bitter any more. I really wish, now and again at least, that we could be friends, I finally realized, after about a year, that it just wasn't going to happen. Oh well. I'm over it now. If you're reading this, good luck with your life. Sometimes I wish that we had never met, that we hadn't spent so much time together and developed what I thought we had. We may have actually had it, but it'd kind of hard to maintain that thought with some of the things you've said to me since the end of our saga. Regardless of what I think sometimes, I wish you the best. Since then, I raised my GPA. I bought a house. I got a second job. My GPA fell. I studied some and raised my GPA again. I went on two to three dates with a good handful of women. I had multiple-month relationships with a much smaller handful, but a handful (in more ways than one) nonetheless. I really could elaborate on all of that, but... it's getting late, and I'm feeling better. Current state of affairs: I'm single. I'm unemployed until the end of summer. (I deserve a ltitle vacay, I think.) I've got a year left of school. I'm going fishing in the morning. I suppose that's about everything that matters really. I learned that happiness is what matters in life. I think that friends are a big part of that, but the biggest part is a significant other. I pray, literally every day, that I will find someone who I can share my life with. I'm not jumping into anything, of course. If something is meant to happen, it will happen. I'm just hoping that something, sooner rather than later, is meant to happen. Kyle is getting married next month. I jealous of him. It's a little scary, but obviously I'm so happy for him. 'Grats man. You deserve it. There are some other people worth mentioning, but I'd rather not say something to upset the natural order of things. I'll just put a star for each of you, and you'll know that I'm thinking of you. Good luck with what you have, and I wish the best for you. * * * * And with that, we'll end our little trip. Thank you, everyone. Please tip your waitresses. I'll be here until Wednesday morning. Until next time...

This is why I'm buying a Russian bride .

Date around and don't get any stds and you'll find a woman to love :P.

wow thats deep dude

Yea, have you ever gotten the feeling that you'll end up alone? I have x_X. Better now since I've found some okay chicks but there's no spark there x_X.

I read it all, sad story but life goes on. Good luck.

geez man, i hope you find your girl sometime soon.