I would recommend removing all of the quote-unquote "street talk" that you've used a few times throughout the piece. Words like "yo" and your decision to omit the last letter from words like "playing" and "messing" devalue the overall feel of the piece.
This is obviously intended to be sort of a rap piece, and as such, I think the above suggestion fits fairly well. If you've ever listened to Jurassic 5 or Atmosphere, the rappers in those groups use nearly perfect english, and the message of their music still comes across in a genuine manner. Just because you're writing rap material doesn't mean you have to chuck good grammar out the window. Proper use of the english language will only serve to make you appear both more intelligent and more credible as a songwriter. It's a win-win decision.
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