Part Two!
Pulparindo
This one brought me closer to vomiting than any of the previous entries. This was the second Tamarind item in a row that we were to consume, and regardless of how bad we thought the brown sludge was, nothing could have prepared us for this monstrosity. Basically, Pulparindo is a type of Tamarind fruit leather. If you haven't experienced the joy that is
normal (read: American) fruit leather, let me save you the trouble and just say "keep it that way." I decided to go balls-out and consume about half of the Pulparindo strip in one bite. I honestly thought I was capable of eating it, I really did. The
instant my tongue wet the strip, my entire mouth was
set ablaze. That fucking Pulparindo strip proved to be the most concentrated source of spice I've ever encountered beyond pouring a can of Cayenne pepper directly onto my tongue. After the initial wave of heat-shock settled down, the bitter, foul flavor of the Tamarind set in. I managed to keep myself from vomiting only by the grace of God himself. Pulparindo is the hands-down, most offensive thing I've ever tasted.
Pulp of Tamarind
DO NOT EAT THIS. Not only has it been banned in America by the FDA, not only is it considered to contain dessicated, rotten fruit pulp, and not only does it appear to be a bag filled with monkey shit, this substance is probably capable of programming genetic disorders into your DNA. I actually didn't purchase this shit on my fateful trip to Albertsons. I was plumbing the depths of my mother's
pantry when I located this little gem. Apparently she had been holding onto this filth for quite some time, seeing as how it was no longer "pulpy" but had instead hardened into a rock of pure evil. I took it anyway, seeing as how I was determined to kill myself and two of my closest friends via awful, awful snacks. In all honesty, I'm not entirely positive how this substance tastes when in gooey form. Like I said, the bag we tore into was rock solid, and we actually had to bite chunks of it off. The shit was so rotten that it didn't even taste like the other Tamarind atrocities we had eaten previously. So, in all truthfulness, I can't provide much of an honest review. Just imagine what it would taste like to bite into a lump of hardened shit clinging to the underbelly fur of a Water Buffalo. That's about what this was like.
Lucas Acidito
It's chili powder. Nothing terribly new or original. The only starling fact about it is that it is the
worst chili powder ever created. Seriously, the side of the can claims that this substance is "snack seasoning with chili powder." I'm not entirely positive what sort of "snacks" you're supposed to pour this crap on, but I'm 100% certain that
any item of food that you decide to spice up with some Lucas Acidito is sure to metamorphosize quickly from the realm of "snack food" to the realm of "biological weapon". We didn't have any "snack foods" (besides other shitty candy) to put this crap on, so we each gave ourselves a quarter-sized dollop of the vileness and dumped it into our mouths. Excruciating. It was flaming hot and the flavor was atrocious. It tasted like licking a trucker's ass after dousing it in lighter fluid and setting it ablaze.
Limon 7
Another powder-based "treat", this one nearly took Jeff's life. He is, you see, very sensitive when it comes to his taste buds. Overly salty foods make him cringe in pain, obnoxiously sweet substances make him pucker in revulsion, and apocalyptically sour concoctions actually tear away bits of his soul. Limon 7 is the most concentrated mass of pure "sour" that I have ever encountered. Upon pouring the packet of powder into his mouth, Jeff's near-instantaneous reaction was one of the most violent things I've ever witnessed of him. His entire face immediately caved inwards, his fists tightened into twin singularities of sheer rage, and his legs spasmed outwards knocking Nels' trashcan to the floor and accidentally knocking
me flat on my ass. He was so completely overwhelmed with agony that he was physically incapable of spitting the shit out. His jaw was clenched rock tight. Eventually, his fit died down and he managed to regain enough control to spit the mouthful of sour slime halfway into the trashcan and halfway onto Nels' carpet. Mine and Nels' experiences were significantly less animated, but no less painful. It was horrible, plain and simple.
Lemon Pico
The infamous Lemon Pico is the shit on the left. This was the final offering we would consume at the end of that fateful night, and let me tell you, it was
by far the worst one available to us. The Limon 7 was bad, but it was only sour. Nothing more. No hidden surprises. The Lemon Pico was far, far worse. It was so bad, in fact, that my entire mouth went numb about three seconds after the initial flavor-shock hit me. That initial taste was a
blinding combination of ultimate sourness, overwhelming saltiness and it was
fucking hot. I poured an entire packet of that crap into my mouth, and my eyes began pressure-launching rivers of tears all over my face. When all was said and done, my entire mouth had gone numb, and my teeth were completely
coated in a thick, sticky film that wouldn't realease it's otherworldly hold even after a
20 minute emergency tooth-brushing. I have never tasted something so infuriantly offensive to my taste buds. It didn't make me nauseus like the Pulparindo did, it just hurt like hell.
So, all in all, after consuming
eleven different types of Mexican candy, there was not
one single fucking product that was edible, enjoyable or appealing in the slightest. Some were just devoid of quality, some were gut-wrenchingly nasty and some were violently painful. In the end, the three greatest offenders in each category were the Peanut Discs, the Pulparindo and the Lemon Pico. The Peanut Discs were just completely lacking in appeal, the Pulparindo was
vomit shower gross and the Lemon Pico was painful enough to send me into near-epileptic shock.
Mexico, I don't hate you. I'm a fan of Mexican food, I'm a fan of some Mexican sweets (like desserts). But, for the love of God, stop exporting candy. This shit is going to start a war at some point, and if this crap continues to be funnelled into our country, you can guarantee that I'll be at the front of the infantry lines, leading the charge. This must end, and it must end
now. Please. Think of the children.
Hybrid Mode
