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After finding out a guy from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" had called him a Hottie: "I don't like being called a hottie. I want to be called a big, strong, sexy man. Now Rick Fox, he's pretty."
Danny Ainge called me. I have to apologize to him. Even though he's doing a lousy job, he doesn't want me to say that on TV. Danny Ainge is a good friend of mine. He's made some terrible trades, but he doesn't want me to say that on TV, so I apologize.
Best socio-political analysis: Charles Barkley, of course. After Beyonce Knowles' halftime show, during which she removed nary a stitch of clothing but made Janet Jackson look like an overanxious has-been, Chuckster said, "I think in America that gay people should be allowed to get married. I think that's their business. But when you see Beyonce, why would you want to be gay?"
I just have to sit back and laugh about that. America is a funny place. Should she have done it? Probably not. But it's not like she started a war or something just to make money. I wish people were more irate with the Bush administration for starting a war for profit than they are with Janet Jackson for showing her breast. But that's America ... we don't know what's important and what's not important. It's much ado about nothing. It's not like she's going to traumatize anyone. Everyone is all offended now and bent out of shape. Give me a break. There are a lot of trashier things on television that what Janet Jackson did.
At the 1990 game, the Eastern Conference All-Star team was surprised when Charles Barkley raised his hand in a pregame meeting and said he'd like to sketch out a play for the opening tipoff. "This is one we used when Moses [Malone] was in Philadelphia," said Barkley. So Barkley stood, took the chalk, went to the board and drew four players running back to defend their basket. "That sumbitch NEVER won a tip," Barkley said as everyone cracked up.
"Hey Jermaine, did you see Sam Cassell in The Lord of the Rings?"
On the All Star Game Starters: "That's why you don't let fans vote. Let them come to the game and clap."
Charles Barkley, to TNT colleagues Ernie Johnson Jr. and Kenny Smith: "I'm the smartest person on this set. You two are just here for decorations."
"If (NBA personal trainer) Tim Grover can teach Darius Miles to shoot, then he deserves a lifetime achievement award."
On why he likes foreign players: "They play really hard, and they don't have posses. They come over here and they work hard and they are not spoiled. America is the greatest country in the world, but we have some spoiled ..."
When people talk about Katharine Hepburn, she's called an icon. She had an affair for 20 years, but Kobe is called a slut. And what about Rudolph Giuliani? He had two women fighting to get into the (New York) mayor's mansion. But Kobe is a slut.
I think the stuff that was said is a little personal, and let me say this, if y'all ever call me fat on the air I'm going to beat the hell out of you. There is going to be some hell breaking loose on this set.
He was like the guinea pig for Rogaine for black men." -- Charles Barkley, on Karl Malone
"You know what Ernie? Damn! I mean the good damn. There are different kinds of damn. This is not the kind of damn that you use to describe Mike Tyson." -- Charles Barkley, on the picture of Serena Williams in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
"You've gone plum damn goofy on the first night." -- Barkley, after Kenny Smith said that Yao Ming is the best player in Houston.
I never said that San Antonio had all these fat women. That has been bothering me. All these women who think I said they were fat, I apologize. Then when I go to Dallas people tell me that I have nothing good to say about Dallas. First of all I think Dallas has a good team. I feel bad they think that. You think LA has the best-looking women in the crowd... they do, but they are not real ... they are made out of plastic. For normal women, who have their own God given bodies, Dallas has the best looking women in the NBA. Unfortunately, I am not going to get to see anymore of them in Dallas.
The problem with the Lakers is, now they have more guys to keep the ball out of Shaq's hands.
When the Los Angeles Clippers were playing the Seattle SuperSonics in Japan, Charles Barkley said on TNT: "If we get lucky, maybe they will keep in the Clippers over there."
Plugging a sponsor of TNT's NBA broadcasts, Charles Barkley said, "Wendy's has the best salad bar." To which his announcing partner Ernie Johnson said, "How would you know?"
On Saddam Hussein: "I think he's still alive. . . . Look at Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein - they used to both work for the United States and now they're enemies. That's part of the hypocrisy that goes on here."
On the flak celebrities get for their anti-war beliefs: "That's part of the hypocrisy that goes on when you're in the limelight - if you say something, you're anti-American or unpatriotic or too liberal. We're all free to say what we want to, but if you ever forget your place, we'll put you back in your place."
TNT's Charles Barkley, after watching a clip of San Antonio's David Robinson getting hit in the groin area by the Lakers' Robert Horry: "It's always funny when it happens to someone else."
Barkley on the quality of the Eastern Conference playoff games: "If we have to watch these entire Eastern Conference games, we want a pay raise!"
If you're working at Wal-Mart and have 10 kids, quit having kids.
You know the world is off tilt when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest basketball player is Chinese and Germany doesn't want to go to war.
Golf and sex are the only two things that you can be bad at and still have a good time.
Dan Rather should have killed Sadaam and the 30 billion could have been used to fix up our education system.
Poor black people are in great shape. Black people use duct tape for everything. You break a chair, use duct tape. Your pants rip, use duct tape. You tear your ACL, use duct tape!"
On the Portland Trail Blazers serving Thanksgiving meals: "In between arrests they do community service."
"I love sam cassell, he's a great guy... but he does look like E.T."
After the Atlanta Hawks announce the game's attendence (16,000): "If there was 16,000 people there, i'll walk from here to oakland."
First of all, you don't want the Chinese mad at you: They can fight!"
Yao Ming makes Sean Bradley look like Bill Russell. You say he's gonna get 19 points in a game? Why dont you go without eating until he [Yao] gets 19 points in a game? You'll weigh about 12 pounds!"
"When you said it, I thought you bet me he was gonna get 19 points in one WEEK, but you said he was gonna get 19 points in one GAME!"
You know what he [Yao] said? "Whew! Even white guys can play over here!"
"He [Kenny] said Yao Ming's gonna get 19 points. If he gets 19 points in a game, I'll kiss [Kenny's] ass."
Kenny: "There's guys who go over to Europe and play overseas from America, and they dominate!"
Charles: "Those are called 'brothers'"
On the Utah Jazz: "When your two best players are 40, you got a problem."
To Kenny: "Hakeem couldn't kick your ass cuz you were too close, kissin his!"
In response to why his team (I think the Rockets, this was a while back) couldn't win a championship: "Bad team, man. Bad fucking team."
"It's kinda great to see the Celtics doin well again cuz that was so much fun in my day to go to the Boston Garden and they spit at you and throw things at you and talk about your mom. It sounds like dinner at Kenny Smith's house."
To Kenny: "You know the thing that was amazing about that game? Between the two of y'all ya had 60 points that night, his [Hakeem's] 51 and your 9."
"He [Kenny] knows basketball and I know a little bit, but I'm just here for good looks."
Arriving at a Knicks game and being swarmed by reporters: "You want to talk to me? I guess it's not like you have a team to cover."
On the Enron scandal investigation: "Almost all those politicians took money from Enron, and there they are holding hearings. That's like O.J. Simpson getting in the Rae Carruth jury pool."
"Any time something bad happens to a black person because of racism, I feel it in my soul. I really do. You take the Abner Louima case. That let me know one thing: If some white guys wanted to stick a plunger up a black guy's butt, and I'm the black guy who happened to be around, I'd have a plunger up my butt."
"I had to explain to my daughter why that skank Monica Lewinski has an hour special on HBO this weekend."
Reading a book cover: "'Broadcasting for dummies'? This is for you, Ernie."
"They say it about brothers, but I can guarantee everybody in Finland look alike."
Ernie: Do the Knicks have any chance of turning things around?
Charles: Heeellll No!
Ernie: What's the Knick's problem right now?
Charles: They no good.
To Kenny: "That's what I just said! I hate when you repeat after me and try to sound intelligent."
"Scottie Pippin? I thought he retired!"
"If you go out with a girl and they say she has a great personality, she's ugly. If they tell you a guy works hard, he can't play a lick. Same thing."
EJ: "Auburn is a pretty good school. To graduate from there I suppose you really need to work hard and put forth maximum effort." Sir Charles: "20 pts and 10 rebounds will get you through also!"
This was right after Peja won the 3-point contest: "Kenny said it was going to be an all-international night. I want to know which international brother is going to win the slam dunk contest."
"Nick, Nick, Nick - You're a good player, but you are a goof for giving up 26 million dollars. There ain't many black people that got a lot of money and if you give up 26 million dollars, you're just a stone idiot.
To Billy Crystal, the only 'famous' Clippers fan: "How did you not become a Laker fan like all the other phony celebrities?"
"This is my schedule: I wake up in the morning, decide where to play golf and drink beer all day."
"I've been rich and poor. Being rich is better."
"From now on, if Michael or Shaq aren't playing, I aint showing up."
"we better not be doing the Bulls this year. Man, they suck! Bunch of high school kids with $70 million contracts. Damn! I hate my mother for having me too soon."
"I'm just what America needs - another unemployed black man."
"I don't need to be on TV. If I had a good agent, I'd be on Temptation Island. I wanna be around a bunch of naked-ass girls. That's just good television programming."
On Jerry Krause still being able to keep his job as GM of the Chicago Bulls: "Jerry Krause must have pictures of his boss's wife having sex with a monkey."
"when I was recruited at Auburn [university], they took me to a strip joint. When I saw those titties on Buffy, I knew that Auburn met my academic requirements."
"All I know is, as long as I led the Southeastern Conference in scoring, my grades would be fine."
"I really don't eat that much. I just, more or less, tend to eat all the time."
On Peter Vescey calling him fat on TV: "I told him I'm gaining weight and I can lose weight, but he's always going to be ugly. I am not going to jump him on TV because there'll be witnesses. If I beat him up, it's going to be in a dark alley somewhere. The truth is, I'm going to have to get bigger clothes or start hanging out with fat people to look skinnier
"My goals are to play the piano and get really, really, really fat."
"How long do you think Steve Nash spent on his hair? 5 seconds? 10 seconds?"
"Did you graduate from Auburn?" Charles: "No, but I have a couple people working for me who did."
Barkley on Turner Sports office having a betting pool on his weight: "That is starting to hurt my feelings. I don't mind skinny people making fun of me, we all do that, but I don't want fat people making fun of me."
Charles Barkley regarding Dan Issels fine when calling a heckling fan a Mexican. "I don't think he (Issel) should have been fined or suspended. Some fans just need to be beaten down!"
"You don't wear Nike, it's going to happen. They gave him all that money to wear those cheap Filas." -- TNT's Charles Barkley, re: Grant Hill's foot injuries.
When the Dream Team was about to play the Angola national team, during pre-game interviews the other USA players provided diplomatic, face saving comments about how they would play hard and felt strongly they would win. When Chuck was asked about Angola and the game, he replied: "They're in a lot of trouble."
"The NBA's in disarray - a white guy won the slam-dunk competition. We need to have another Million Man March." Sir Charles responding to L.A. Clippers rookie Brent Barry winning the slam dunk competition.
"Tonight's a good night for bad, crappy players." Barkley talks about the new NBA rules for the 2001-2002 season.
"I have so many great memories, I thank God I have this huge brain that can keep all these memories stored."
Charles Barkley on his thoughts about retiring before the season: "Iremember sitting down with the Rockets and saying, 'Yeah. I'm going toretire.' They said, 'Well, we'll give you $9 million.' And I said, 'Yougot a pen on you?'"
"I can be bought. If they paid me enough, I'd work for the Klan."
"You can talk without saying a thing. I don't ever want to be that type of person."
On the All-Star Game: "Hell, there ain't but 15 black millionaires in the whole country & half of 'em are right here in this room."
"I don't listen to the refs. I don't listen to anyone who makes less money than I do."
"I don't create controversies. They're there long before I open my mouth. I just bring them to your attention."
I know why his name is DMX. Because his real name is Earl. Imagine if his name was Earl the rapper.
On the Celtics: "They stink. I could get 5 guys out of retirement, and we could beat them."
Barkley's reason for underclassman and highschool kids to stay in school:
-If your homeboys are telling you yo go = don't come to the NBA
-If your family is po' = don't come to the NBA
-If you wanna meet groupies = don't come to the NBA
-If you dont like classes = don't come to the NBA
-If you can't start on a College team = don't come to the NBA
On the news that the NBA would allow zone defenses: "This is a great day for bad NBA players"
?I?m speaking for all the fat people in the world. All the fat people in the world hate skinny people?We hate you Kenny.?
Barkley after being introduced by host Ernie Johnson: "Why do you introduce us every night? Don't you think everybody knows who we are?"
Johnson: "Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Smith, former Houston Rocket, two championship rings."
Barkley: "Oh that was a low blow...yes, I am defensive about it. What were you gonna say, Charles Barkley, no championship ring?"
Barkley on Lakers turmoil surrounding Kobe-Shaq feud: "We said at the beginning of the season that nobody can beat the Lakers. If you play that team seven days in a row, you're not going to beat them four times. But, if Shaq and Kobe can't get along, they can't win. That's the biggest disappointment for me, a guy who would kill (to win a championship). I would kill you two (EJ & Kenny) to win a Championship...I think that's the difference between young guys and older guys. I would have killed to play with superstars...two guys in their prime like Michael and Scottie, Bird and McHale, Magic and Kareem. That's the difference, guys today are more concerned with who's running the team, who's taking all the shots and not winning championships."
Barkley on Ernie Johnson and Kenny Smith eating a box of hot Krispy Kreme donuts in front of him: ?Both of y?all are going to hell for that. Y?all are going to hell with a first-class ticket. Is that how you treat your partner? Krispy Kreme might be the greatest invention in the history of civilization when they?re hot. Y?all are cruel man.?
On the new Philadelphia 76ers uniforms in 1992: "They look like my daughter got a hold of some crayons."
"I love New York City. I've got a gun."
on the goal of the '92 Olympic Dream Team when playing Panama in the Tournament of the Americas: "To get the Canal back."
"Hey Stanley, you could be a great player if you learned just two words: I'm full."? Barkley yelling to 300-plus-pound Houston Rockets teammate Stanley Roberts
On what it means having Rick Mahorn as a teammate: "All it means is that people will say that I don?t have the biggest butt in the league anymore."
"Well, when I went off to college, the guys I used to hang with were pumping gas and voting Democrat. Today they're still pumping gas and voting Democrat. Guess theDemocrats didn't do much for them."
"I heard Tonya Harding is calling herself the Charles Barkley of figure skating. I was going to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character
"Ex-teams are like ex-wives. Deep, deep down, you know you can't stand them."
"It's really wrong for black people to be racists, because two wrongs don't make a right. White people don't know any better, that's the way they were taught, but black people knowhow it feels."
On supersized Oliver Miller: "You can't even jump high enough to touch the rim, unless they put a Big Mac on it."
"I've always said that my 'playing weight' is whatever I happen to weigh when I'm playing."
"I always laugh when people ask me about rebounding techniques. I've got a technique. It's called just go get the damn ball."
I won't kill myself. I'm one of my favorite people.
"Every time I think about changing a diaper, I run a little bit harder and a little bit faster to make sure I can afford a nanny until my daughter's old enough to take care of that herself."
I realize that when I'm in my late forties and fifties I won't be able to walk. But I won't have to work until I'm sixty-five, like most people do. To me it's worth it. I see my grandmother's new house or visit my mother in her new house and ride in her new Lexus. When I signed my first contract, I bought my mother an Oldsmobile. For Christmas three or four years later, I bought her a Mercedes. Every time I think about how bad some part of my body hurts, I think about that. You can't describe what that is like.
"The only problem I've had with him (Kevin Johnson) is he wanted to go to church and I wanted to go to strip clubs."
"That's a lot of damn money. And a black man is making it. What a great country. Imagine if he could play."? Barkley on Kevin Garnett's $125 million deal
His greeting to new Rocket Elmer Bennett: "Elmer? I ain't never met a brother named Elmer. I can't believe that. A brother named Elmer. I have been alive 33 years, and I ain't never met a brother named Elmer. I've heard of Elmer Fudd, but that's it. They named a fella Elmer."
If you have a disagreement with somebody, you don't have to apologize to them. I ain't gonna apologize to that motherf***er I threw through the window in Orlando."
When asked about his grades at Auburn, he said, "As long as I was leading the SEC in rebounding, my grades would be fine."
On being misquoted in his autobiography: "That was my fault. I should have read it before it came out."
On facing Cuba in the ?92 Olympics: "What do I know about Cuba? The country is run by a scruffy-looking guy who smokes cigars -? that?s all I know."
On how Michael Jordan could derive more enjoyment from his celebrity status: "Take security. Or be like me: Just punch a few people, and give them $10,000."
Barkley in response to Charles Oakley saying that 60 percent of NBA players smoke pot: "What percentage of reporters who cover the NBA smoke pot? My poll is just as scientific as his poll. I am going to say 60 percent of writers smoke pot. I just came up with a number. You don't have to have any facts...you can just throw things out there. I like that."
On why he didn?t attend a presidential inauguration: "They?re not my type. I like to be around low-class people, like reporters."
On New Years? resolutions: "I think I?ve got to make a stronger commitment to my girlfriends and my family. Well, don?t write down my girlfriends."
On why he befriended Christian Laettner: "We?re a lot alike, actually. We both attended great academic institutions. And when we walk into a room, women scream."
The only difference between a good shot and a bad shot is if it goes in or not.
On Generation X: "I wish I was young again. I?d make a fortune and the coach couldn?t yell at me."
No, that's just going to make my right hand sore from hitting people. I don't mind. I just have to get better at provoking them. I've got to make them hit me first, so they can't sue me. They don't pay me enough money to let people call me any name in the book.
That's true. People don't want to hear the truth. Fat people are discriminated against. That's just human nature. Stereotypes abound. Like all black people are hoodlums, all Jewish people are crooks. That's totally not true. What's even worse, it's considered all right that people think that way. Marge Schott can say "money-grubbing Jews" or "million-dollar niggers," because that's the society we live in. People say it's freedom of speech. That's not freedom of speech. Any woman who has that much power isn't going to hire blacks or Jews. That ain't the worst part about it. The worst thing is that she may go and kiss up to them. When the Reds won the World Series, she was drinking champagne with the brothers and calling them million-dollar niggers behind their backs. I have more respect for the Klan, because when they call you nigger they don't sit there and drink with you.
David Stern calls me now and says, "I apologize for all the things I said to you in the past. Dennis is a lot worse than you are." (On Rodman)
On Chris Mullin, who had fainted: "If it's your brain, you'll be fine. That's the smallest organ in your body."
There are people who hide everything inside--and it's guys like that who kill whole families."
Dennis (Rodman) likes wearing a dress, I don't like wearing a dress. I tried it on a couple of times in the house, but I do it privately; I don't do it publicly."
On retirement: "In four years, I'll be the first black governor of Alabama. In eight years, I'll be the first black president."
"Professional athletes should not be role models. Hell, I know drug dealers who can dunk. Can drug dealers be role models too?"
Yea...I know this post is long as hell, and probably no one is going to read the whole thing. It's got some funny ones in there. If you don't like it too bad, but there are some ones I thought were funny in there, and I was really bored. Believe me, I read around 5-10 times the amount of quotes you see up there. I put the better ones in because it's 12 o clock and I have nothing else to do.
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