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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never
cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck
Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his
mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does
not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather
roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before
you.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,
Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting
them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck
roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't
stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
month.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood
a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five
months later he realized the irony of this statement
and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine
as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red
Bull.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is
"Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply
stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby
Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to
his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus'
obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after
all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer.
Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for
2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only
to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was
actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck
Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single
show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply
pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his
finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop
the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the
alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It
was more "humane".
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded
to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then
drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because
he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and
Order are trademarked names for his left and right
legs.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever
that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is
working on a way to make it show clips of Norris
having sex with Conan's wife.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away
from death.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck
Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of
elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his
strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the
fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as
hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself,
"That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.",
then you are dead wrong.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was
the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his
bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck
Norris.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they
refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr.,
insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate
classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit
out of little kids.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one
Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it
honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells
like you and I. His have a small black ring around
them. This signifies that they are black belts in
every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick
the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never
gets ill.
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