Musing of a Voice

I actually really like the pacing of the first piece. That's how I tend to write a lot of my lyrics. I'm not exactly sure what the term for that structure is, where the first three lines all rhyme and every fourth line rhymes. Triplets? I don't know.

The second one is pretty good as well. My only complaint was the one or two entire "stanzas" (I mean every four lines, considering it's not actually broken up into stanzas) that were focused on describing the alcohol that was being consumed. It almost makes the narrative seem more like a drunken frat excursion moreso than a tragic alcoholic binge. By specifying the types of alcohol like that (beer, whiskey, scotch, shots) it makes the narrative seem more like an alcoholic conquest (dude, I did 3 shots of Jager, a beer bong, 2 shots of Jack, it ruled). I'd say thin out those areas a bit more. Just hint at the fact that there is alcohol being consumed. A truly desperate alcoholic probably wouldn't care what she's drinking an hour before she willingly freezes to death.

The third one is probably my least favorite, if only because the pacing feels really weird. I can't put my finger on it, but it just doesn't feel right. You actually have written music for that last piece, haven't you? If so, then that would explain the odd structure. I'd need to hear the complete song in order to grasp it. My only honest criticism is the second-to-last stanza. In the previous three, you indicated the age of the subject, and in the fourth one, it feels as though age should be indicated there as well because it's still a progression of the story. The fifth stanza doesn't require that because it's the conclusion. Although, I could be entirely wrong in this observation as well if there is actual music to accompany it.

Very good stuff. I eagerly anticipate more.

Thank you very much for your criticism Raziel. This is exactly what I'm looking for, someone who can comment on ways I can improve my writing and elaborating on how to do it, rather than a simple "OMG good!!!11" or "OMG teh suck!!!11!" I'll keep your input in mind

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

The hell? My point was that usually when I ask other people for opinions on my work, they don't give me anything I can work with, and this is not specific to this thread or forum. It's hard for an artist to find other artists to critique their work, and it's refreshing to find that here at Zelaron.

If you aren't going to give me any criticism I can work with about the poems I posted, please don't bother posting here.

Not a problem, Neko. It's nice to see someone actually respond positively to constructive criticism instead of assuming I'm attacking them.

Postcard bitter.
A leather bag in hand.
No one to love anymore.
Hollow-hearted in my bonecage.
Eyes a hazel empty ocean.
Postcard bitter.
Voice as raw as harmonica.
Blowing through the empty air.
Blue coat floating like a scissored cloud.
At my feet like ragweed.
Postcard bitter.
It's like raining in the desert.
To wait for your heartstrings.
Like blind David and dwarf Goliath.
Fighting, but not going anywhere.
Postcard bitter.
I'll drop it at your feet as I leave.
Face obscured by silk grass.
My mahogony lengths of hair.
My strife-sickened bitter face.
Postcard bitter.
Maybe you'll remember me.
On a day when you feel dead inside.
Like the way I was at your feet.
Like a servant for Prince John's mercy.
Rusty metal on my chipped fingernails.
Playing a song.
Postcard bitter.
Deaf by youth, death by shallowness.
Deep as a river of tear in a desert.
The kind of deep you can't see.
Not yet.
Postcard bitter.
See you later.